Aftermath.

If terrible things can emerge out of nothing, then there is no such thing as safe. There is no light.

Recently I found out that I had been bad mouthing a dear friend of mine. By I, I meant somebody else, and by somebody else, I meant somebody attaching my name to the tall tales. :) The entire convuluted scenario came up a few days ago. Apparently, it's come to my friend's attention that I've been saying all sorts of desparaging comments about her and/or her life. The bottom line is - I never once said anything remotely close to those said desparaging comments. Which makes this whole thing pointless.

If only it were so. But you can't just take things back specially if the person involved has already been hurt in the process. There is no magic eraser for pain. Besides, once the seed of doubt has been planted, there is no digging it back out. My friend already thought I had said those things. My denial and profession of innocence has come too late and thereby rendered ineffective despite my conscience being clear.

When these things come up, timing is crucial. For hurts to heal well, it has to be tended to in a suitable time frame. Waiting too long to patch things up would be useless for the wound would have already scarred and that would be that. But I never knew things like these were reaching her at all. It took her three strikes to finally come to me. Three strikes, three blows. And she was already bent on simply telling me off with no explanations required.

I wasn't always an incredibly open person. I was prone to make believe and telling lies. It took a lot of effort on my part to be able to talk to people with no fear or anxiety. It was a lot of work to be comfortable enough with myself and be where I am now. I understand that I've only managed meager steps, but honesty and loyalty are the only things I have got going for me.
And because of this I feel robbed. I feel like my identity has been depredated and I'm left confused in the aftermath. How do I respond to this? I should be angry. But whom should I be angry with? My friend? She was equally hurt here. My friend's source? But I don't even know who her source/s is/are. I feel so disoriented now. I don't know where to place myself. All of a sudden, I'm so weary of people. I don't know who to trust. I'm scared to trust. And this is what makes me sad. I've reverted, and reverting was the last thing I wanted. And I'm scared. Scared of myself and where this would take me.

I'm not gonna water things down for the sake of this blog's non-audience. It seems that this has destroyed what little I've built in these past few years. I feel defeated. I am seriously considering leaving again, which has since recently been a thing of the past. And now I just want to ditch this failed effort altogether.

Is it wrong of me to think it would have been better had I actually said those terrible things about my friend? I think I would atleast know where I stand in this situation... And perhaps I wouldn't be so lost. I didn't do anything wrong. I should just let it go. But it's so hard.