2-D Tendencies

I feel very two dimentional today. I don't know if this has got a thing to do with my absentee work self or my drama loving/conflict avoiding self - but in the span of a week I was overwhelmed by stupid drama! And now I feel like my perspective has been deleted somehow. I would allow myself to say this: I think it would have been better if all this drama had a bit more sense to them. Instead, the first having zero basis of truth, the second having little substance at all - is what I'm left with.

People are so painfully terrible at letting others be. Yeah, I know I'm being very vague. Honestly I don't really know what I'm talking about either. I just know that right now, my faith in humanity is dwindling and really I only have two particular people to base this on versus the rest of the 7 billion out there.

I've never had friends before - atleast REAL friends. It was only very recently that I've started believing I actually had friends. And then, these things happened - which left me fearing more so than ever. Fearing to trust even more than I ever even dared to trust. I guess I'm more upset at the damage it caused me than the actual incidents... I mean it took me thousands of little baby steps to get to that point. I never realized how fragile I was all along! I always believed that as long as you lived right, things will be alright. Then why are people attaching my name to heresay and just outright disrespect me?

In my conscience, I bear nothing. However wickedly people seem to imply my being.

I haven't said those things.
I was merely mediating and doing my job.

But it seems I am so lowly as to warrant common respect and so terrible a friend that I would freely say lies so horrible about someone I consider my friend. I am disgusted and would wish for nothing more than stay at home with my darling man, and be happy with him. Except now I'm so afraid of him again. Having just moved ahead from the several months where I was so scared of him for reason that had nothing to do with him, I am afraid that eh would hurt and leave me. I feel like I've been betrayed too many times and there is nobody left in the whole world to trust.

What a terrible feeling.