Moving On

It's been years, really. I've never given it much thought. But I guess in many, many ways, he was and essentially still is my first love.
For the past few days, I've been thinking about living life alone. I've been thinking and wondering how much better it may have been for me... I keep thinking how much more I'd appreciate company now had I been alone all along.

Growing up the way I have - I've convinced myself that everything was up to standards. I used to tell myself, I was better off than a lot of people and should appreciate the blessings in my life and not dwell on the harsher realities. Year after year, lies piled up that completed who I became. Recently though, I realized I hate people.

I've never felt this much seething dislike - and yet I am surrounded by people.
Family and friends.
The people who are good to me now, suffer the consequences of my past encounters. I guess it has always been my choice to allow things to happen. But there are things that are unfortunately outside of my control and when you're so small and alone fending for yourself - people will definitely take advantage... Memories fade, they say. That's good. I will forget the lost DX, my traumatic childhood, the sparse bits of joy and light heartedness, and everything else in between.
I really want nothing of this.