This title has been long standing, but there seems to be this constant failure with everything that is required in posting it. My brain, My wifi, My heart, My homework. Nothing seems to be falling neatly into place these days at all. But I really feel like this is just one of those things that has to get out. Or things get real ugly.
It's sometimes all too easy to forget that there is always the yin to the yang, there is always something, something beyond what seem to be all that is.
Sometime this week, as in between Monday and now, Stephen and I came so close to breaking up, I still have the bitter taste in my mouth. I guess more appropriately, we practically broke up... He and I were never on again-off again. This was probably the closest to broken up we ever got in the past four years. Sure, there were times where we questioned if we should just break up... But we never did. We were always a couple, we had disagreements, but we were always a couple. But this time, the ominous feeling that's been looming over my head for the past several odd months, culminating into that one moment where I just felt like there was nowhere left for me to go, it was raw, and bitter, and all sorts of unpleasant. I cried like I haven't cried in a long time, and even then... There is no going back.
I've been seeing the signs all over the place. I've been avoiding exposure to them, kept telling myself it was a phase that will pass, and that for the time being, while things were not ideal I can avoid the drama. But things kept getting worse, and I avoid confrontations at all costs when it matters most, so things just continued its, what felt like to me, downward spiral.
Now when I get to the point where I actually want to talk about things, it takes me a lot of effort to even consider the idea. The fact that I actually bring it up means I really feel cornered. And, for the past few months, it felt like that constantly. Like I placate myself with the pretence that communication was the key, and that if I communicated, whatever healing was required would already be underway. Oh, I tried so hard. I was so worried I was starting to become one of those girls just trying to stir up some drama... So I tried to avoid it at all costs... But it just happened to be one thing after another. I haven't even finished reeling from the last one and then bam. Another one. And normally there were things that would nourish a couple back to full relationship health, but there was nothing left... And I was feeling more and more like a failure. Like I deserved feeling alone.
School wasn't going so great. My parents were fighting, and Bri was caught in the crossfire. I was strapped for cash and panicking about how school was gonna go when I was back to work. My relationship felt more and more like a close 'friends with benefits' kind of set up than the relationship it was supposed to be. And there just wasn't time for any of it in my life. It felt like there was barely any time even for school.
I kept myself out of my parents' skirmish, and though I worry about money, it was something easily taken care of. I keep looking for what I could do to make things right again, but I just see a dead end ahead for Stephen and I. The present was not accommodating, and in my mind, if I stopped walking right at that point, I could see Stephen walking away bruised, but perfectly fine otherwise. And me, well, I'd be able to move on, too. I was prepared to accept us going our separate ways.
Because I knew that we had tried, as we have been trying for what felt like a really long time now. I was open to accepting it, if it was what needed to happen. I guess the reality of all the troubles finally piled up - and the heartbreak I've been logically tending to finally caught up as the heartache that it was. And still I struggled against it.
Cornered again, I finally talked to Stephen about everything. I felt so defeated and lost, I said it was probably better for us to be just friends – but despite everything, I just didn't know.
I was right about everything. And he was quick to agree, as I thought he would be.
But he was so quick about it.
That all I could say was “Oh.”
Oh, what?
A huge issue I've been having was our lack of a future. It was horrible to have that issue substantiated. It just proved to me, in one moment, all the things I had been uncertain about. All those little fears I've been telling myself were completely irrelevant to Stephen and I, were suddenly little factoids. I was a little toy, interesting for a time, but no longer – and it was all too easy to just accept that it was not working so well.
Oh, fail.
How dare I, even hope for one moment, more so FOUR years, even consider the possibility that I may have been at all valuable to somebody? I was just worthless. Failure with school, with work, can't do anything for my family, strapped for money, yup. And wow. The one good thing ever, the one I feared would wake up one day and decide I was not what he wanted after all, finally decided, and I can not blame him.
All those little petty things substantiated, no longer little, nor petty.
I allowed myself to cry. I cried hard. What little self worth I scraped up, all gone.
Everything that I've worked so hard to build in me, as in personally, as in everything that I invested myself in just turned out to be this huge bust. The funny thing was, I've been struggling with this for a while... I was struggling so hard cause I did not want to just let it go. It has been a really really bad series of months, probably still better than what most people call a 'relationship' these days, but it was getting to the point where I was extremely unhappy. There was nothing left to get excited about... And that was really bad. I am probably really needy, but otherwise really low maintenance. So for there to be NOTHING left for me, it meant my life spells being utterly bereft. I was going down really really fast.
But I quickly stopped myself and the apathy kicked in.
Right now, we're still trying to figure things out. The awful truth; it happened, and it might still happen with effective permanency. As much as I don't want that to happen, nothing is for certain. And the future, we must wait for what it holds.
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