Slow Progression...

My blogs through the past decade has evolved from the cheesy fan girl phase, to the angsty drama queen teener phase, to the depressed abandonee of faith phase, to the self conscious/self pity/self doubt phase, to the apathy phase, to the return of the angry phase, to the abandon ship phase, to the multiple abandoned efforts of something else phase that it has become of late. I would say I'd been too busy... Too busy to post anything worth while... Too busy with life. Too busy actually having all the time in the world (atleast the part that is mine to spend) to do anything. But instead, I wallow. Which is really, typical me.

I have tons of time. To rant, to blog, to write...

Right now, my screenplay thing has been put on hold in favor of learning how to draw.
The learning process is a pain in the ass and I lack the discipline to work through it.
The imagining sweet victory of finding my niche at it is also a pain...
Because with it comes the pain of learning how to utilize it.

I know that I should JUST DO instead of this constant fretting I've been doing... I am full of doubt and feeling very discouraged with the lack of results.

At least the other not self-development/help/study half of my life IS GREAT! Except for the past few days Tevin has been sick, and he's being stubborn about medicine - but that's a side note. I sorely wish I can just chill here for now... This comfortable little nook that I've found myself in... But I have this urge to not feel too comfortable. Typical me, with the anxiety. Which is an unimportant other side note...
Life is great! Even though I still have gripes, like the fact that I hate not working... But I just feel compelled to give way because of the various situations of people involved. Not working sucks, and I hate it so much. It leaves me stranded on cruise control and it is boring. Gah! But it is exponentially more boring when I am at work and THERE IS NOTHING TO DO, but there's really NOTHING ELSE that I'm supposed to be doing because I would be on my boss' clock. I'm glad that I still have a job, and that my boss is still awesome, and my co-workers are great. But even when I'm at work I'm on cruise control. And it's a pain. I know I'm probably whining too much... It's just that, desk work is not for me. I've been trying it for the past couple of weeks with drawing via the tablet - and it gives me a headache! I never realized how often I actually left my desk when I waste time on the computer all day. Although, I should know this already, seeing as back when I used to use IM services a lot, I had the bad habit of just stepping away from the computer and leaving conversations in mid-air. Drawing all day fries my brain, reading all day melts my cranium, and standing around doing nothing is tiring. Basically, i'm at the edge of my rope with the kite-flying. I feel like i'm skimming on everything. ATLEAST I CAN STILL COOK WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AT HOME. Phew. That's a saving grace... Specially since i don't follow recipes very well... It's actually a challenge to balance tastes. (I also learned that flavours get intense after freezing.)

Anyways, on the skimming. I feel like a kite. Tossed around in the wind and tethered by a string... Not really leaving Earth, just very slightly suspended off the ground when all I want to do is run freely on this ground. I don't want to run, really. Tevin actually got me started on biking, but it's kind of not win for either of us, because I hate outdoors that require work that is not swimming and biking with me worries him and is not challenging him at all in the way of exercise. At work, I can't work very hard because there's always too many people in and everything that needs to get done would already be done before I get a chance to try and do things. Cleaning is done regularly enough that there is never any real need to do much of extra cleaning. All that is left is running till.... But even that feels like 86% waiting for customers.

When I think of my lack of skill and talent in drawing, lack of stimulus at work, my happy life state sounds more like a sucky rut state. When it's really not.

...

The truth of the matter is, I DO have a knack for drawing... I've learned so much in such a short span of time and with little real effort. Still a lot of effort, and the reading was pretty tough on me, but I got a lot in really quickly. In effect, everything I did was practice and doodle, and read. Learning was just a by-product. (I tested out Toon Boom for a little while, and though I liked the light table feature A LOT, I learned the hard and irritating way that I HATE ANIMATION. I'm probably speaking too soon, but I have no interest in it.) The pick-up curve was pretty smooth and easy compared to what I expected. I found out that drawing is pretty much pick-up and go for me. I also have a general idea of how to clean-up my sketches... Right now I'm learning colors and how to fake depth... And this is where the slight difficulty/wall comes in... but there's really nothing I can do about my depth perception... I could say my lack of depth perception is my trademark... hahaha. Oh man...

...

Back to the subject of phases... I have this idea of developing this blog as a doodle dump-site of sorts. I hope this isn't just a phase in the same way the other phases were phases... Although if it has spent its usefulness, then so be it. I probably will not hold on to it...

I should sleep.